About you and my confused, indecisive self
Have you ever loved someone sooo dearly and being loved in return, to the point that you think it's a bond no one could sever? Hihi, don't. I'm warning you. Everything has its time limit. Nothing really lasts forever.
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I... never wanted to get too attached to someone. All my life I've been building the wall, setting boundaries. I should never expect anything from humans. And then one day you came to my life like a precious gift- even I wondered, "do I deserve you?" For a few months I let my guard down. "You're an exception," I told myself back then. I don't know if I regret it now that we went separate ways. Seems like I do, although I find myself refusing to admit. Damn- I was way too attached. You were my safe space. And now that you're gone, it feels like my world is falling apart.
Why did you leave me so easily? Although you came back and we can still talk once in while now, do you know how disappointed I was when you said it's better for us to go separate ways back then? You didn't even pay an effort to stay. There might be something you could actually do to save us, but you didn't even bother to do anything. I want to ask you that, but I never really had the courage. I'm afraid you'll completely disappear this time, if I do. I said I forgave you for that day, but why do I keep thinking I lied to you just so you would come back and stay?
To me, love, is a huge serious thing. When you said you loved me, did you really mean it? Or were you just saying? You managed to convince me lots of times, I swear to myself I would always be on your side, and that I would believe you no matter what, but I keep doubting it now that you left. What do I do?
Our memories- how did they turn into wounds to us?
Cey, I thought holding onto you was a good idea. I thought I'd manage to wait for you for years. But... turns out it drains me. Maybe you were right. Maybe we should've just cut everything off. Completely. Get hurt for once and heal completely as the time goes by. Maybe you were right, everytime I wrote you a message, I'd find myself keep checking if you send me a reply. And that is indeed cutting the wound back opened. It's not even turning into a scar. It gets cut fresh everytime and probably is badly infected by now.
There are days when I want to cut everything off so badly. I want to stop waiting for your replies to my letter, I want to stop getting disappointed when it takes you so long to write me one (Have you ever waited for my replies to your letters?). I want to force my head to forget you. I want to make up a story of me getting sick and dead so we would stop writing each other a letter- and that you will drown yourself in the same pain and grief you caused me. I'm so evil, aren't I? I'm so frustrated that you had no idea how painful it was for me that night of January when I read that 'good bye' from you. For the first time in my life I couldn't sleep for 3 days straight. For the first time in my life I barely could eat any single meal for 5 days straight and lost myself damn 4 kgs. And how they all triggered my gerd. How I hated myself for being such a stupid ass but still- I couldn't do anything. You had no idea. You came back saying you cried all night that night, and begged for forgiveness not knowing what I went through. And I... stupidly held onto you still and said I'd forgive you for the past happenings.
But there are days I'm thankful I could still at least read your letters and getting your late, late replies. And days when I want to cherish this bond for more years. Days when I think I have the courage and power to wait for you. Days when I'm afraid of losing you. Days when I want to hold onto you while I have the chance to...
There are days I think I'm used to not having you around, yet there are days I miss you so bad that I want to run into your arms. There are days I regret meeting you, but there are days I think I'm thankful for the good memories we made.
I'm in so much confusion. I'm so indecisive for this matter, and I hate myself for being this way. I guess when you begged me to end our suffering and cut things off completely, I should've granted you that wish? But after all this time, I love you still and the desire of not losing you, somehow stays there.
Am I the only one holding onto us? Cey, please hold onto me while I'm holding onto you. I'm afraid of myself and how far I could go. When I hurt people, I hurt them so bad. When I made up my mind to leave, I'd never consider of coming back. Can you bear that? Please don't let me hurt you........ Come back,
will you?
or at least tell me you want me to stay.
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Ich will vergessen, wer du bist und wie du heißt.
oder nicht?
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